Fan again, but ITunes is opening!

Its a nice night. Cool; I might even need a blanket tonight. Been so damn hot here lately. Sweating on the toilet, have you ever sweated on the toilet? A memory of Japan that will not go into the "cherished" category. Didnt do much today, just studied a bit. I am heading tomorrow to get an application for the JLPT (japanese test). If I can make level 3 it would be nice, but it might be hard. I know I can do 4, but the challenge! So, tomorrow I will pick the app, and buy a study book. I really need to work on my speaking and listening. I am getting pretty good at reading and writing now. I spent all summer doing it-though a second grade book still whipped my ass today. My vocabulary is very limited. It is daunting to realize you know the name of practically nothing. I am illiterate with the speaking ability of a small child. It is humbling.

nothing.

I was a US Marine for eight years. Eight. I am finding it hard to self actualize with anything else at this point. For nearly ten years, when someone called roll, instead of answering back “here,’ or “ooh rah,” the common response, I answered back “KILL.” It was the first job I was ever truly good at, and that haunts me to this day. I am still more comfortable around men who have held a rifle, than those who have not. I find life to be too easy. Personal issues are murderously hard, but with day-to-day stuff I ask the same question a Gunnery Sergeant once asked; “Is someone going to die?” Invariably, the answer is no.

I can get my way by yelling most of the time, if I wanted to. I am good at that. I could probably also fight for it. However, that is not me anymore. I am a hippie, and the world does not accept those responses. I don’t even kill insects; really, I don’t. I don’t want to kill-ever; period. But killing is all I thought about for nearly ten years. I faced that choice, and I know that I can kill. IF I DECIDE to kill something will die; I could not have done what I have done without making that determination. That is why I said “KILL” for all those years. I never wanted to forget, or to let anyone else forget, that our job was to KILL, or facilitate others to KILL, the ENEMY. I never got to choose that enemy before, but now I can; I do.

I cannot go back. I don’t want to kill. I can, I long to, but I cannot. I am a different man. I don’t fit in there, and I don’t fit in here. My life has lost focus. I have a goal, and a destination, but that destination is not a permanent one. I want to speak Japanese. Why? I don’t know anymore, but I will do it. I may never do anything else in my life. I may die poor and forgotten, but I doubt it. This is what I must do. My life is not what I wanted, but the life I wanted is not a life anyone would want. I am a drunk, and a lonely one at that, but what is that pain? It is nothing. I have survived worse; pain I kept from you, and most others. I did it like I did everything else; alone. If you think you know it all, you don’t.

I am thankful for my pain. It taught me how much I did not know, mostly about myself. I am thankful for my loneliness; it taught me to appreciate love. I am thankful for my life; it has taught me everything I know. I regret two things, but I recognize that one may have been for the best. I don’t want to kill. I have seen what that does to people. Afterwards, you aren’t people. You are a Marine (or a soldier), and you will never be anything else.

I can do it. I can take a life. But I don’t want to look at myself after. I want to spend my whole life able to look myself in the mirror and know that every time I fuck someone over I can apologize to them; if I choose to. Death is closer to me than I like it to be. We are all delicate.

But I miss that rifle, and I miss saying "KILL" every day and meaning it. I miss knowing what I am. Something that time forgot, a throwback through all of human history: a killer, a soldier, a Marine. If you never carried it, dont talk to me about out it.

The only thing I regret more is Ho. Again, if you dont know, you never will. I am who I am; for better or worse.

Regret. My word for today. Now go fuck yourself; I dont want to hear it.

I miss it. I miss the feel of a rifle in my hands, and the sweat that never seemed to stop. Disomfort, anger, motivation. Motivation is a word that few I know understand. I have neither moved on, nor stayed where I was. I do not want to kill, or see the death that comes with it, but I also dont like this peacful life I live. I am trapped between worlds of pain and pleasure. I dont know what I want to do, but I know what I can not do. Roads are closed, bridges burned. Life is one minute to the next, but I am not who I apppear. I am different. I am angry, and I dont want to hurt anyone. who am I? I dont think I ever knew.

the fan again.

The French add troops, the FDA gives a nod to “plan B”, and I sit here and sweat. Japan is hot this time of year, have I mentioned that yet? I think I have gotten fatter-if that is possible. Too much wine, and not enough women (is it ever enough), but the song part seems to be right on. Mike is coming out from Osaka today, and we will be meeting with a couple of choirgirls from around the bend tonight. Should be a fun weekend; tonight is drinks and diner. Tomorrow is BBQ, fireworks, and a club or two in Nagoya. Today is waiting for Mike.

With about ten days left of vacation, I have done so much, and yet so little. Mostly, I sat on my ass and watched movies, but I also got about 2 hours of studying done a day, and visited a whole bunch of temples, shrines, and festivals around the area. Saw three prefectures, and drank at least my weight in booze. Hell of a vacation Earl. I need a vacation from my vacation!

Train again

Busy weekend, went out and about in Aichi on saturday and saw some shrines. Saturday I checked out that new "pirates of" movie, and I was not so impressed; my steak dinner before the movie, however, was top notch all the way. 225g rib eye with potatoe, corn salad, and blooming onion. Sweet. Today I went to two or three temples in Gifu, as well as a big ass mall. Malls are cool; you can look at girls. I like that. Tonight I am going to an Obon festival to see everybody dancing. It is pretty damn hot, so I dont think I will be doing much dancing myeslf, but maybe. You never know, eh?

My best friend-the electric fan!

Just another day in paradise. I am trying to decided whether I will do something today or not. It is just that simple. I could take a drive out to, uh, somewhere. I have a car and plenty of time, however, driving by yourself is kind of dull. I don’t even have a radio, for gods sake! I would like to drive out to Nagano and go camping, but I am not sure I can actually find the place. Driving in Japan is hard; not just because of the “wrong side of the road” thing either. It is just hard. A trip that would take me 45 minutes-say from Puyallup to Seattle will either take 2 hours, or cost an arm and a leg in toll fees. And the Japanese drivers? Lets just say nothing, and leave it there.



That was from yesterday! I did none of that stuff, actually. I ended up at a hanabi (fireworks festival) in Inuyama; about 20 minutes away on the train. It was too damn hot, and I got bored of it, but it was better than sitting at home bored I suppose-more girls to look at! I have been having some issues with my computer lately, and I spent this morning cleaning and updating-general maintence stuff. It is working much better now, but I will have to wait and see what happens when i reopen my my bit torrent program; I think it is the cause of my woes. However, I really want to watch Northern Exposure, and so I will put up with it for the weeks it takes to download all 32 gigs.

Anyway, today is another study day I think. I have been doing very well there! About 1-2 hours every day. I would like to study more, but I am lazy, and my poor brain gets tired. If I could keep up 5 days a week, two hours a day, I would be very happy about my efforts; however, I dont seem to be able to do that during school. I am too tired to pull it off, and usually manage only about 5-6 hours a week. Not enough to get much better, I think. Ofcourse, my study hours do not include any day to day stuff that I have to use Japanese, but I dont think that is an excuse, and it is not as common as I would like it to be!

Anyway, here are some pics from the last weeks activities-mostly hanabi, and matsuri (fireworks, and just plain festivals) around the area.

BBC Podcast

Who thinks Castro is dead? Could be the best damn thing that ever happened to Cuba, but then again, I thought that Arafat's passing might be the same for Palestine, and we can all see how well that is going. Wait and see, wait and see.

Chilling at home again, wondering what I will be doing today. I think it will be a hour or two of study at Starbucks, followed by a trip to Nagoya for no apparent reason. I need to get busy on my drivers license. My international permit is only good through November, and the drivers test has a 90% first time failure rate. They are really anal retentive here, in case you haven’t heard. Mellow out people; you only live once!

The Unger Report

Well I am back in Konan; I took a trip with one of my school's teachers to Nagano Prefecture. It was a pricey trip, but, as expected, it was worth it. I got to go to my first onsen/hot spring resort, and then we all had dinner, and lots of drinks while karaoke played on. I also saw a wasabi farm, a winery, an art museum, and an old post town from the Edo period. All cool. Here is some pics...